Brenda's Journal

2:06AM - The story Chad and the Mexcian

HAHA.... Chads dating a Mexican! LMAO Im not against mexicans.. it's just funny. Chad is rasict. He says Choclate will break him out (meaning he can't date mostyles*african American*) lol.... that racist mofo.. lol Im still laughing over him dating a border jumper... thats what he calls her.

1:00AM - deep?/

Life is a very complex thing to you. You don't understand why there's hate, when we should all love each other. Most things bring you pain, slow painful emotional pain. You know someday you'll unlock the secrets of the universe, but right now all you want to do is lay down and think for awhile. Try not to cry.

12:49AM - me? innocent?

12:48AM - Who's MIKE??

Who are YOU most like?

12:45AM - MUH HA HA im sexy!

Find your emotion!

12:43AM - TJ said I was pleasant!

You're ANGER! You're not the most pleasant person to be around! You've got a short fuse, and you're almost always mad at the world. You're represented by the color red.

12:41AM - Im a lesbian? woah... I didn't know that

12:37AM - *bows to Kurt*

Which Grunge Band Are You?

Current mood: amused

11:27PM - That's me!!

You're a rainbow fag! You're here, you're queer, and the world had better deal with it. You're the epitome of gay pride. You're massive amount of faggitude impresses other queers, and many people admire you for your courage. However, make sure you don't go overboard and start taking gay pride as seriously as the Christian Right take their religion.

Take the what kind of fag are you quiz by PsychosisX!

11:04PM

11:04PM

11:20AM - society sucks

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

11:15AM - ack nasty!

what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!

2:19AM - Alive

hey homies... It's been awhile.. forgot I had this damn thing... but im back and ready for action! woah... later --brenda

11:58PM - I will be QUEER until the end!

I hate my life some times. It's like everyone is against me. I went to the bathroom at school. I left my bag by the sink did my buisness and left. I get called out of band being asked if I stole on of the posters from the walls. Our school has put up posters of Brad Pit and Josh Harnett and this area 51 sign up. The officer asked me if i took it and i was so nice a polite and said no ma'am i didn't do it. She asked to search my things and I said yes you may. She searched it and goes what is this?? It was the sign. I was so upset. I DIDNT TAKE IT! The officer grabbed me by the arm and took me down to the office. She hurt my arms too... But on the way one of the teachers whom whoever told asked me why I took it... I said that I didn't do it and she said yeah right whatever! I get into the office and my assistant principal is busy so they send me back to class and will call me down later. I was sitting in lunch, almost in tears and i realized I saw the girls who yell QUEER, DYKE and other things at me. I got to thinking and they must have put it in my bag. Later came and Mr. Bosse (my assistant principal) called me down and I sat and talk to him about it. I sat down and someone finally listened to my story. He was very understanding about this. I have reported sexual harrassment and other discrimation against me to him. He said I know you are a good girl and you have never been in trouble like this before. He said he was going to look into the situation... Im not in trouble... yet that is. I told my mom and she is really pissed. She said something about going into my school and talking to my prinicpal about all this.

This just all upsets me so much. I never did anything to any one. I don't even want to seak revenge on this people. I just want to safe my butt and be left alone. Im really afraid to go to school now. I knew I shouldn't have went today... Yesterday I got a note on my locker.. It said "DEAR DYKE, TAKE YOUR RAINBOW ARM BAND OF OR ELSE. WE WILL GET YOU SLOWLY AND IF YOU STILL DONT FEAR US WE WILL BEAT YOUR QUEER ASS LIKE THE OTHER DID MATTHEW" Matthew? Matthew shepard!!! What sick idiots! It also said QUEERS HAVE NO RIGHTS AND MUST DIE SO SHUT YOU LESBO ASS UP! signed... eyehatequeers" Today I wore my rainbow arm band. I refuse to let these people get to me. I didn't report it because I don't know who these people are! I couldn't even really describe them too you.. I just know thier voice from yelling at me in the hallway. Im so sick of this. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! Im going to make the hear my voice. This will not be the end of this queer! I will fight for my rights until my death. This is nature NOT nurture! I will not let this end me. I will make the stand! please help me end this.

Current mood: pissed off

12:25AM

did you think i was dead? nah! im still alive and kicking... Well... im here so later

6:28PM - If ya gonna bomb west.... Start at the libary please!!!

hey! how was everyone's day? Mine was just horrible. To start the day was going just fine. The old goat finally gave me the right about of change from where i got breakfast at school. We have to clean out our lockers and that fine... Amber is a neat freak (that's my best friend and locker buddy) so It always is clean. I get my report card to find out i have a D in English... at least my average came up from like a 74 to a 76! I went down in German... It's just cause he doesn't like me. And the rest of my classes i got an A in em. Well Im trying to go to sleep in German and then I hear Bi Boy say we are going to the library. I think Hot damn! I'll get to e-mail my buddies! WRONG. Im on the computer and i signed on my AIM and the AOL web page came up. The lady bitched at me saying you weren't supposted to have e-mail. I was like I didn't do it! It pop up and she said It just pop up huh? DAMN BITTY!! IT was a fucking ad!! GRR! well I start getting happy im talking to Mel on AIM even though she is right beside me and the bitch ass hoe library saw me and started yelling at me. Then she goes off and pulls on my head phones that I have rest around my neck and said "I could take those away from you so you BETTER but them up to where I cant even see the cord or they will be mine!" oohhh no! I was pissed. Just ask Melaine. I was ranting about that woman all day. Im still mad. Me and Debri were going to go into the library and check are e-mail and annoy the hell out of her to where we get kicked out. but.. Lambert wouldn't let us go during 4th block. The day got better and im leaving the cafetria and on my way to 4th. Some chick she in my face call me a God Damn Cootchy licker and punchs me in the stomach. I didn't want to start a fight so I just turned around and walked the other way. I wish I knew who she was... I could get her for discrimation and even press charges. Deep inside im torn apart. Everything is going wrong. Tonight me and Chad are going to cruise the town and hopefully Ill feel in a better mood. Well im gonna go e-mail the friends that i didn't get to cuz of that bitch ass hoe!

Current mood: pissed off

6:41PM - is it possible to think about someone too much??

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew
And I wonder where these dreams go
when the world gets in your way
What's the point in all screaming
when no one is listening anyway

your voice is small and fading
and your hiding here alone
and your mother loves you father
cuz she got no where to go
and she wonders where these dreams go
cuz the world got in her way
what's the point in never trying
but it's changing anyway

they press there lips against you
and you love the lies they say
and i tried so hard to reach you
but your falling anyway
and you know i see right through you
cuz the world gets in your way
whats the point in all this screaming
youre not listening anyway

This song reminds me so much oh my lil Jen Jen..... I really don't know why either. Maybe it's the soft acoustic guitar playing or just the meaningful lyrics.. whatever it is it's by the Goo Goo Dolls. I can't rember the name of it... a lot of songs remind me of her. A lot of things to.. Let's face it... I think of her a lot.

5:53PM - Star and Nicole

why does my life always have to have something bad or wrong in it? I lost my Star..... I was raped and was going to have a lil baby girl. Her name was going to be Star McKenzie but i lost her about almost 3 months ago.

now ... im losing my best friend. Nicole has been really anal with me and well I pushed her to tell me why. She has cancer in her brain. *falls to knees crying* Just when everything goes back to normal something bad happens again . I lost my Star now Nicole.... She IS going to die...*burst into tears again* I lost my Daughter and my one true best friend..... what's worth living for now? Im not going to kill myself. Im just so hurt. I need to borrow someone's shoulder.. but no one is around. :***(

Current mood: depressed

Current music: just my sniffles and whimpers

4:51PM

hey! I had a band competition today so I missed just about all of school. WOO HOO! but I missed you kiki. My tummy was hurting really badly and i was cold. My good friend Sydney (I have had a crush on her ever since I was gay) offered to hold me. Normally I would have said no but I took the offer up. Early that day some chic gave me her number. I was stareing at it on my hand and I start to wipe it off. And Syd goes... Brenda... what's the matter? I replied nothing at all. She said no you must be really sick. I said why? she is like you are erasing a girl's number.. normally you would never do that. I was like yeah.. She said you got a girlfriend.... so the whole bus ride home I laied in Sydney's arms going nothing but talking about Jen and how much I like her and how the only reason I wake up early it to get online and talk to her. :)

I feel really bad.. every time she calls me in the afternoons my momma calls from work or someone else calls for my parents and i have to hang up with her :( Im sorry honey! It's nothing having to do with you at all! It's just those damn annoying people.

Im really tired. I stayed up late talking to Ashley. It's really awsome. There was a time when I thought I would lose her and never talk to her again but now we stay up talking every night. It's just like old times. We talk about random things. It's so funny. we are just big goof balls. We are like giddy girls at a sleep over when we are together. She is so much fun. Even though we never hang out anymore. :( She is going to school in Kansas and her momma moved from here to Missouri. Totally sucks ass. well im going to take a nap.

Current mood: exhausted